she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
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