I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
