Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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