Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
