can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
