I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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