Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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