Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
