Kareoke will never be a sober sport
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
