Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I just gift wrapped bread.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Randomize
