You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
They have beer where we have blood.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Randomize
