the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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