Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
