I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Randomize
