if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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