Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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