haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
