Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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