but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
