He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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