She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize
