I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
