I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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