how can u be prego again
The best revenge is premature balding
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Randomize
