I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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