you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Randomize
