thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
I cut my penus on the lid.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
