my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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