How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
he told me I talked like a deaf person
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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