So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
