If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
