a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
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