We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
