I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
