My sheets look like a crime scene.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
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