I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Randomize
