I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I want a musical about memes.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
