Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
