so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
