Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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