News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
