I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
