We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Randomize
