Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
