The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
