Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
