im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
my shit smells like andre
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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