I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
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