hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
