Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
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