It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
ugly people sure do ruin things
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
My day in three words: secret purse cake
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
