Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
